Drivers Speak [April 07 2017]

We all have Drivers, inner patterns or motivators that influence our thinking, feeling and behavior. They date back to our infancy and they represent the external voices of the significant others from our early life. We followed and internalized these demands and expectations from our environment to keep our "okayness" and they became an integral part of our very being. They are like "voices in our head". We tend to follow them under stress. There are five basic types of these Drivers. Their characteristics can be observed. They have their typical words, tones, postures, gestures and facial expressions. You can see the signs of a driver in a 30 to 60 second period. In this post I am helping you to recognize these signs on yourself or on others. Why is it good to identify them? Because if they dominate your life unchecked, they can cause you lots of stress and unhappiness. If you become familiar with them, you can identify them. If you identify them, you can manage them - if needed. Note: they have their positive sides and we need them too. To read more about Drivers click here. Now let us take an example. Look at this:

Source: http://25.media.tumblr.com/027a2f8235d832a8a8404ca89a8b89f1/tumblr_mgwsafQQBZ1rzhyyio1_250.gif

Check the tensed neck muscles, the wrinkled skin on the forehead and the two typical lines appearing between the two brows, above the nose. What do they tell us?

Let us start with TRY HARD.

WORDS

"I'll try", 'I will do my best", 'I am trying my best", "can't", "I don't understand", "It's very difficult", "What I am trying to say is ...", "hard", "complicated", "impossible", "I don't know", "What is this again?", "It is not easy to do." "Huh?" "I doubt that", "I am not sure about that". The person is giving their utmost in the situation. Enthusiastic approach can also be seen by others as they are about to solve the problems around. Many times they are not satisfied with the situation so they use words and expressions accordingly. If they cannot find the proper word, they are "trying hard" to find it. Check this:

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/DUt27UqRHsnVC/giphy.gif

TONES

Many times they tense their neck so their voice can be stifled. Their voice can "go away", tremble or be blowzy. Listen to this example:

GESTURES

They tend to put a hand in front of their eyes or next to their ear. It looks as if they need to invest more effort to hear or see the other person better. The hands are tensed, clenched. You can see a fist if you have a look at them. They tend to massage the upper part of their nose or their eye, ear while listening ("sharpening the senses"). Check:

Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/b2/36/ea/b236eac15eff38369bf1380c844775b3.gif

POSTURES

Leaning forward to get closer to you, putting hand on the knee, hunched back or any other grotesque, "over-forced" position can be observed. Check this out:

Source: http://img.pandawhale.com/117667-Oberyn-trial-gif-Imgur-huh-daf-41JO.gif

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

Just like in the picture on the top, you can see wrinkles on the face.

Source: http://player.hu/uploads/2014/12/legertelmetlenebb-weboldalak-1.gif

Their nonverbal communication is expressing the following belief: "I can't do anything truly well. I can't finish anything unless I make the ultimate effort - and even then I can't always make it!" Time after time they are seen frustrated because something always seems to get in the way of success. Their internal voice says: "I am only acceptable if I try hard". They tend to move into reactive, sometimes rebellious behaviour. This is a typical TRY HARD body language below. Can you recognize the RC?

Source: http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/tmhnks.gif

Let us see PLEASE OTHERS.

WORDS

"Some kind of", "Alright?", "OK?", "Thank you", "Would it be OK if ...", "May I ...", "Isn't it great/lovely/fantastic ...", "What do you think about it?", Are you OK if ...", "Yes" You can hardy hear them saying NO. Their mantra is: "Always be amiable" so their language is aligned with it too. They use diplomatic language. Lots of agreement expressions are used like "sure", "of course", "absolutely" or "naturally". To be congruent with their nice words, they make an effort to look attractive so they have a big smile you almost always see. They bring smile or laugh on your face too. Check this:

Source: http://padakapuelott.cafeblog.hu/files/2014/08/post-27385-matt-damon-laughing-gif-gsNI.gif

TONES

Their voice tone is often high, rising at the end of the sentences. Warm, empathetic intonations. Can you identify the NP here?

GESTURES

Nodding head is the most typical. Both arms are normally in front of the body. They show you their palm. Waving and smiling show acceptance and welcome from them.

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/J3KcDSK9voKE8/giphy.gif

POSTURES

The shoulders are usually pulled up and they lean towards the other person. Turning their whole body to you.

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7aTm5M49vNm4hXi0/giphy.gif

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

Slightly turned down face, pulled up brows, wrinkled forehead. Smile or smile-like expression on the mouth.

Source: http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/degrassi/images/c/cc/Barry-allen-smile.gif/revision/latest?cb=20151216060456

Their nonverbal communication is expressing the following belief: "By just being myself, I am of no importance, worthless and have no rights. In order to mean anything I have to serve the wellbeing of others!" They try to be as pleasant as possible to everyone. They can be extremely law abiding and helpful. They are concerned about doing the right thing. This is a typical PLEASE OTHERS body language below. Can you recognize the NP?

Source: https://i.makeagif.com/media/9-12-2015/0Ybb8g.gif

Let us see the HURRY UP driver.

WORDS

"Hurry!", "Come on!", "What are you waiting for?", "No time to lose", "We'll run out of time", "Keep going", "Rise and shine", "Let's go", "Hop to it", "Quick", Get going", "Don't waste time", "Time is money" , "I have no time for this." "I gotta go" They tend to interrupt others or they finish other people's sentences. They tend to be "hyperactive" too. They tend to leave the conversation while they are still speaking. Check this:

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/Bdo2F1smFFtv2/giphy.gif

TONES

Staccato voice, like a machine gun, very fast pace. Sometimes it is not easy to comprehend what they are saying. Listen to this example:

GESTURES

Finger of foot tapping, fidgeting, having a look at their watch frequently, turning their head constantly. They may speak rapidly and will usually be doing more than one thing at a time. Multitasking is common here.

Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/7b/af/42/7baf428306ddd30df75544fa3468b0e3.gif

POSTURES

In motion, excited, lively, enthusiastic, adventurous, quick.

Source: http://i.imgur.com/PQbrHhH.gif

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

Changing their looking quite frequently. Similarly to try hard, they invest much energy in the task. They express frustration because they feel they are behind their schedule - and when they make mistakes because of the high speed.

Source: http://s01.yapfiles.ru/files/995437/tvshop7.gif

Their nonverbal communication is expressing the following belief: "Since no one is interested in me, I am not allowed to take space nor time for myself. I always miss the important things in life!" This is a typical HURRY UP body language below. Can you recognize the frustrated RC?

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/10pHDIVCnT5SrS/giphy.gif

Let us see the BE STRONG driver.

WORDS

"You make me angry.", "How I feel is nobody's business.", "That makes me sad" (rather that "I feel sad"), "One" "You" "We" replaced by "I". "This party makes me bored", "What you said makes me ...", "Your behavior makes me do this". "It is a good feeling" (instead of "I feel good"), "You must keep your feelings for yourself" (Instead of "I must keep them"), "Situations like this make you ..." "on my own ..." "To a large extent ..."Distancing language is often used. They talk about themselves without using "I". They enjoy repetitive tasks. They can be observed working alone showing no emotion. They find security in independence. Check this:

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/XUIVE479RFSuY/giphy.gif

TONES

Empty, monotonous, generally deep voice. Listen to this example ("I feel like I should say something smart.") :

GESTURES

You can hardly find any gestures. They don't want to express themselves as they think: "How I feel is nobody's business!". Check the lady in the middle:

Source: https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q9KlkdpYELo/V0_3vjNUuaI/AAAAAAAAfa8/pH6Uf0kdUEUKB167MDUTSL3cNxbmKStjgCLcB/s1600/54e3883f1cf72.image.jpg

POSTURES

Closed postures can be seen generally. They whole body shows immobility. Crossed legs and crossed arms.

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/lJ39PWAblbDAk/giphy.gif

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

Immobile face. Clear expressions can be seen rarely. Things don't easily shock them. They tend to conceal their emotions. Micro expressions can be detected though. Watch:

Source: http://gingesbecray.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/5_54.gif

Their nonverbal communication is expressing the following belief: "I always have to expect and be ready for the worst! I must always be strong and invulnerable! I can trust no one!" Can you recognize the sad CC below? The micro expression of the lower lip shows that something is hidden.

Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/4d/c5/b2/4dc5b29598dbdc2c6626c6155b304a24.gif

Finally let us see the BE PERFECT driver.

WORDS

"As I said" "As I was mentioning" "As a matter of fact" "We might also say that ..." "Well, maybe..." Not to speak of the ..." "Nevertheless" "So to speak" "As we can see" "First and foremost" "First" "Second" Third" "And last but not least" Relative clauses are frequently used by them to add more information to what they are saying. Very thorough explanation can be heard from them. They use fingers to count the parts of what they are talking about. Check this:

TONES

Sounds like Adult, neither too deep nor too high, well-modulated. Listen to this example:

GESTURES

Counting on fingers, using illustrators, stroking their chin, holding their fingertips in a V shape. Like this:

Source: https://spidercatweb.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/david-cameron-angela-merkel-barack-obama_2767979.jpg?w=350&h=200&crop=1

Source: https://media1.popsugar-assets.com/files/thumbor/6CME0XPiIfAeeg92UvBOIzpxsR8/fit-in/1024x1024/filters:format_auto-!!-:strip_icc-!!-/2016/02/23/905/n/1922398/eaa44ff0708c2e67_jNuyViB/i/Algernon-makes-skeptical-beard-stroking-look-super-hot.gif

POSTURES

Looking Adult, straight, well-balanced.

Source: http://i2.asntown.net/h4/13/funny-gif/1/japanese/ways-to-hold-chopsticks-in-japan-03.gif

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

The eyes are looking upwards or sideways as speaking or walking. We can have the impression that the person wants to read the instructions or answers from the environment. The mouth is tensed. Look at this:

Source: https://m.popkey.co/c84c8f/dg3w4.gif

Their nonverbal communication is expressing the following belief: "By just being myself, I am of no interest to anyone. I have to show a perfect performance to deserve love and appreciation!" Can you recognize the achieving CC below? The nice walk and straight back allow no mistakes.

Source: https://mystery756.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/mary-poppins-gif-julie-andrews-mp-turning.gif?w=990

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by Bali Polyanki

office@nonverbalcommunicationcoach.com

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